With the seven-round NFL draft occurring last weekend and the upcoming nine hundred-round MLB Draft coming up in I think a month, the whole country is dripping with draft fever. Or it could be hay fever. Seasonal allergies are making the rounds right now.
Well, we here at Off The Bench had a crazy idea: what if we thought plants were just laying there but they are actually aliens observing the human race? We had another idea: to re-draft Major League Baseball! Each team gets one pick in reverse order of last year’s standings, and this goes until each team has a 25-man roster. Every active player is available to be drafted. As the Pirates would say: Draft ho! (Woah, that sounded inappropriate. OTBB apologizes for that.)
[button color=”blue” link=””]Round 1[/button]
Diamondbacks – The Diamondbacks select Mike Trout.
Astros – The Astros ask to hold on one second. They don’t want to draft an entirely new team right now. They just won ten of their last eleven and have a solid team. Plus, do they vacate their wins from this season or have to start again? The Astros pass on their pick.
Rockies – The Rockies select Hank Aaron, not understanding this is not an all-time draft and Hank Aaron will play at his current age.
Rangers – The Texas Rangers select Jose Altuve. Jose Altuve picks up seven bats and leaves the Astros clubhouse forever. The Astros complain that he is their best player, they don’t want to be forced to do this stupid draft thing, and they call out to Jose but he has already left.
Astros – The Astros, with their first non-supplemental pick of the draft, complain that they do not want to be forced to do this stupid re-draft. They call out to Jose Altuve but he ignores them. The Astros surrender their second draft pick.
Twins – The Twins select Felix Hernandez and ask if there was any thought put into how contracts would be affected by this.
Red Sox – The Red Sox draft baseball’s #2 prospect Byron Buxton, but not understanding that the draft is only open to current major league players, they are forced to surrender their pick.
Chicago White Sox – The White Sox draft Jose Altuve. In this draft you are allowed to have one steal and the White Sox used it successfully. Altuve picks up his six bats and heads over to Chicago. The Rangers are forced to forfeit their first game against the White Sox as it is happening during the draft and they cannot field any players.
Cubs – The Cubs draft Evan Gattis. Gattis does not want to play in Chicago and retires from baseball. The Cubs are awarded the Astros second-round pick. The Astros are all like, “What the hell? Why do they get that pick for that?”
Phillies – The Phillies draft Ryan Howard. Christ, guys, give it a rest, he’s not that good anymore. The Phillies give Howard a $800 million dollar signing bonus.
Reds – The Reds select Giancarlo Stanton.
Reds – The Reds select Miguel Cabrera.
Reds – The Reds select Max Scherzer.
Reds – The Reds select Andrew McCutchen.
Reds – The Reds select Clayton Kershaw. Somebody stop the Reds from drafting.
Pete Rose’s Dream All-Baseball All-DreamTeam [TM] – Pete Rose starts an expansion franchise and selects Josh Donaldson. As they are an expansion franchise they are awarded extra picks of the Astros’ third-, fourth-, fifth- and sixth-round picks. The All-Baseball All-DreamTeam immediately becomes everyone’s favorite baseball team.
Marlins – The Marlins select Paul Goldschmidt. The Marlins sell off their entire team and Paul Goldschmidt goes to the Rangers for $300,000 cash.
Rays – The Rays select Robinson Cano. The Rays covertly get Tampa taxpayers to pay for a new stadium.
Braves – The Braves call commissioner Rob Manfred and worriedly tell him that the entire league has disbanded and every team has gone mad and started a re-draft. Hell, even Pete Rose has a team in this league. The Braves stop talking and just hear a dial tone on the end of the line. Has Rob Manfred been kidnapped? The Braves look horrified at one another. The Braves select Albert Pujols.
Brewers – The Brewers leave the league. They expected more teams to follow them but the other teams realize this is kind of fun and decide to stay along. Plus, Pete Rose’s team, the Pete Rose’s Dream All-Baseball All-DreamTeam, could just fill into that vacant NL Central spot. The Brewers forfeit their draft choice by default.
Yankees – The Yankees select Yasiel Puig-OH COME ON, YANKEES! YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING FUN!
Indians – The Indians select Chief Wahoo so they can have a marketable mascot. The Indians are told that they can wait until later to make up a mascot and it won’t count for their draft spot and, plus, that mascot was really racist and nobody liked it. The Indians select Yasiel Puig. Hey, he was just drafted! You guys aren’t even paying attention! The Indians lose their pick.
Astros (traded with the Giants) – The Astros traded plenty of cash and draft picks to get this spot to hopefully snatch one more baseball star. The Astros point out to MLB that although the completely disagree with losing all their players and the momentum from this season, they will finish the year strong and follow any rules they need to. The Astros add that although the re-draft is totally unfair, what is important is the sport of baseball, and they will do anything to ensure that the great sport is played fairly and competitively in the city of Houston and that the national pastime lives on. The allotted time for drafting runs out and the Astros surrender their pick.
Pirates – The Pirates select Marcus Mariota. The Pirates announce they are starting a football team.
A’s – The A’s, famously known for their “Moneyball” approach where they upend the mainstream baseball knowledge and exploit loopholes and weaknesses in the sports’ market, draft Jose Bautista because he’s the best player available.
Royals – The Royals draft Jon Lester but Ned Yost is using him as a baserunner. Jose Altuve decides it would be fun to play with Lester and picks up his six bats and walks hundreds of miles to Kansas City. With no players, the White Sox are disbanded.
Tigers, Cardinals, Dodgers, Orioles, Angels, Blue Jays, and Giants – Threatened by all the talent in the league, and the fact that they have no players, these teams all disband.
Playoff Predicitions: The Pirates win the Super Bowl.
-Jason Last-Name-Coming-Soon
