As Valentine’s Day approaches this year, I have no one to write a love letter to. I have no Valentine. I can’t say I’m all too
upset about this as there’s another love in my life. It’s the lady to the right of where I write. Below, you’ll find my case for a baseball to be my Valentine. Please know that this is entirely serious and I anxiously await its response… Also, inspiration and guidelines from my letter comes from this website (trust me…. it’s worth the click). Double also, this is in no way weird and it certainly does not qualify as bestiality.
2/11/2012
(When I googled “how to write a love letter” they said to include the date so the recipient could keep it as a keepsake)
My Dearest Baseball,
I have lain awake many sleepless nights trying to compose words that might adequately describe the feelings of my heart and eyes. But every time I have made the attempt, I have failed miserably. Please forgive my poor effort and accept a trite and simple phrase: I love you. Actually no, I think I can say it better than that…
In true manly fashion I shall express my love in a more elaborate and heartfelt manner. I wish I could capture everything about you that I love, but each of your 216 stitches, or 88 inches of wax red thread represents a different facet of you that I love. I cannot pick one part for which I feel adequately encapsulates your perfection. I know you think you are a bit fat, but I assure you 5.25 ounces is the perfect weight for your perfectly round physique.
But, it’s not about the purely physical with us. I truly feel we have a connection. When I hold you in my… hand, I feel your perfect fit as my fingers curl around your stitches. When I see you, I smile. I know when they see us together other people see the perfection.
Oh how I wish those many men would not hit you with their sticks. They do not treat you with the same care and respect that I do. They toss you around, send you on voyages toward brick walls or roll you through dirt. I do not treat you so. When I see you in a sack full of other balls, I pick you first everytime. Those others are fun on some nights, but you’re the only one I love, the only one I spend many days trying to impress, the only one I get stronger for. You are the one I go to the weight room for; I only work so that you may think I’m better. Baseball, you complete me. You make me feel wonderful. There is no better feeling than seeing you fly towards me as I wait to catch you and rub my hands around you.
Baseball. Be. My. Valentine. I can think of nothing that I would rather spend this Lovers’ Day with. Be Mine Baseball.
Forever and Truly Yours,
Sean Morash
