Wouldn’t it be cool if everything was like a movie? Things would blow up for no reason, the good guys would always win, and you’d always get the girl. Sadly, life isn’t like that, but here at Off The Bench, we can try to get close. In collaboration with a friend of the blog, we’ve gone through every 2012 Major League team and likened them to a movie:
New York Yankees: The Expendables: They are a bunch of past their prime action stars, still with enough savvy and talent in the tanks to win. You know exactly what you’re going to get and they are still somewhat kind of fun to watch as it seems like they win every time they go out (27 Championships). Plus, Ichiro can be Jet Li.
St. Louis Cardinals: The Bourne Legacy: It’s still a good movie without it’s main star (Matt Damon) who may be one of the best action stars of his generation. And a new producer/director managed to stay true to the original theme of their predecessor. Matt Damon is Albert Pujols, both gone from their respective franchises. Jeremy Renner’s Carlos Beltran is the fresh face supposed to “replace” an irreplacable, while Tony La Russa’s retirement represents the changing of the guard at manager and corresponding directoral switch. The Cardinals are still sitting in postseason contention and The Bourne Legacy was at the very least not a disgrace to the Bourne name.
Miami Marlins: John Carter: Disney’s John Carter’s opening weekend came in at $30 million, which is respectable. The problem is that that total represented 40% of domestic box office for the film. After much promotion, it seemed that Disney didn’t really believe in its product and was trying to get fans excited about nothing. It was a colossal flop, similar to the 2012 Marlins. At least the Marlins get to watch Giancarlo Stanton hit every three innings, which is kind of like getting to watch Lynn Collins (see picture to the right) while she’s on the screen.
Oakland A’s: Mystery Men: This one is really quite good. Not only does the name fit the 2012 A’s, but the storyline of the film “A group of inept amateur superheroes must try to save the day when a supervillian threatens to destroy a real superhero and the city” mirrors that of the low budget A’s attempt at salvaging the Moneyball ideals and saving the day for an American society in need of an underdog win. That the Mystery Men found a way to figure it out with their collective powers and without the help of any main hero fits well with the whole “Ryan Cook was the A’s lone All-Star this year” thing. Still, they continue to win games in spite of a lack of experience or dominant MVP-type presence.
Houston Astros: Unstoppable: You remember that Denzel movie where you knew the whole time there was going to be a train wreck and you went to the movie theatre knowing you were watching a train wreck? Tell me that isn’t this years’ Houston Astros team. We wrote before the season that this is a lost year for the Astros fans and I frankly feel bad for those people. Honorable mention went to Catwoman because I thought the emasculating nature of that movie seems appropriate for this collection of baseball players.
Baltimore Orioles: Charlie’s Angels: Charlie is clearly Buck Showalter, pulling the strings behind the scenes and with the full unquestioning devotion of his ballplayers. Additionally, it’s inexplicable how Charlie’s Angels continued to kick so much male ass given the nature of their femininity; it’s hard to explain how they win every time. Same can be said for the Orioles except the femininity is replaced by the run differential.
Boston Red Sox: Space Mutiny: Space Mutiny is rated the 10th worst action movie of all time on IMDB and involves a mutiny against the pilot of an expensive spacecraft. For those of you who follow the Red Sox, tell me that watching the players call for Bobby V’s head (which usually spouts otherworldly stupidity) hasn’t been like a mutiny. Tell me this year’s Red Sox club hasn’t been an absolute disaster. And tell me it wasn’t a big mistake to put a guy that nobody trusted or liked at the helm of such an expensive ship.
Tampa Bay Rays: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: This pick was made entirely so I could compare Splinter (the Rat ninja master father figure to the ninja turtles) with Rays manager Joe Maddon. Splinter was awesome and wiser than any of his peers. So is Joe Maddon. Plus, there’s the whole issue where you can’t really tell apart the ninja turtles and therefore they are basically interchangeable. Same for the lower half of the Rays’ order and their defensive alignments. Quick! Name the 5-9 hitters for the Rays…
New York Mets: Mrs. Doubtfire: The movie starts off kind of funny and quirky and creative and then it gets weird and sad and you realize you’ve seen it before. Robin Williams is the lone bright spot but delivers one surprisingly non-captivating performance. The Mets started the year riding unreal starting pitching and seemed to be the hot pick for the “how is this team so good” award, but then that award went to the A’s and the Mets are left to wonder if David Wright has enough to carry the team himself (in much the same way Robin Williams needs a colorful script to do his own magic).
Seattle Mariners: The King and I: The 1956 classic is not an enjoyable movie for a 21-year old baseball blogger living in 2012. That said, this years Mariners team is King Felix and everyone else. The only thing that makes a Mariners game exciting is watching Felix dominate quality lineups. Likewise, in The King and I, King MongKut of Siam wears sparkly, shimmering clothes that light up the screen when he’s in front of the camera. I could make some reference to the fact that the movie was banned in Siam because of biographical errors with the King, but I don’t know where I’d go with that other than saying King Felix really shouldn’t be banned from Seattle.
Colorado Rockies: Gatoroid vs. MegaPython: If you haven’t been sick at home and watching TV on a Tuesday afternoon in a while, you probably haven’t seen this movie. Allow me to enlighten you about its similarities to the Rockies. Neither plot makes total sense. In Gatoroid, there seems to be somewhere between 4 and 1,000 monsters causing chaos in Miami. In Colorado, Jim Tracy is still employed and they are using a 4 man, 75-pitch count starting rotation. Also, about half way through a Rockies game, just like about half way through the movie, you ask yourself if the person responsible for the disaster in front of you has any self respect left.
Las Angeles Dodgers: Red: Great cast, mediocre movie. There was really no shortage of films I could have chosen to fit this mold but I selected this one. Red features Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Miren, and John Malcovich as ex-spies that, for some reason, come out of retirement and shoot some stuff. Considering the cumulative acting prowess of the cast, it’s a surprisingly unentertaining movie. Likewise, the Dodgers have put together a cast of Matt Kemp, Andre Either, Adrian Gonzalez, Clayton Kershaw, Josh Beckett, et al. yet are precipitously plummeting in the standings at the most critical time of the year.
Detroit Tigers: Robin Hood: For me at least, Robin Hood had the potential to be one of the greatest movies ever: Gladiator meets Braveheart. It could have been great and it turned out to be…. just another movie. Sound familiar? The Tigers were supposed to absolutely run away with the AL Central this year. On paper they are the best team by very far. In execution? Not so much. The Tigers are currently 2 games behind the White Sox in the division and nowhere near either Wild Card. Just like Robin Hood, they’re watchable, but nothing like the legend they could have been. (I’m still bitter about Robin Hood.)
Atlanta Braves: Gran Torino: Chipper Jones has taken the old man status to another level this year. He’s had two walk off bolts, and is leading the team in OPS. He’s basically the man. Gran Turino features an elderly Clint Eastwood that totally kicks ass. These hard nosed old men are awesome and most of the reason you tune in to watch. Plus, I absolutely love the image of Chipper Jones telling someone to “get off my lawn” after he hits a jack.
Oakland A’s: The Hurt Locker: The Hurt Locker was an unheralded, low budget movie that beat Avatar out for best picture. Avatar’s immense budget made it a nearly 10-year investment and brought in record setting box office totals. Despite the budget differences, The Hurt Locker was a better film. The same can be said for this year’s Oakland A’s. They don’t have the budget and they don’t have the superstars, but they’re just very good. Throughout The Hurt Locker, you had the anxiousness that the bomb might explode at any moment. Same for the A’s who have seemed to defy odds and kept their season alive en route to the postseason. Also, for those paying attention, I know we’ve done the A’s twice but its my blog and I do what I want.
Part 2 Here…
-Sean Morash, with help from Max Frankel and Race Bottini
