The beauty of owning a (mostly) baseball blog is that you can write whatever you want. Sometimes it’s as small as slipping a picture of Lindsay Lohan into a Padres season preview. Sometimes it’s making up stories about Jerry Sandusky kidnapping Major Leaguers. Sometimes we break down the upcoming presidential election for the common baseball fan. And sometimes we just write about our drunken notes from watching 4.7 Star Wars movies in one day. Today, we’re going survey the MLB landscape using Star Wars as a guide. (Sometimes we repeat tropes.)
The classic literary archetypes found in Star Wars did not originate in George Lucas’ mind. The basic struggles of Good vs. Evil are found in nearly every story ever told; the power of the Jedi High Council is harkens to King Arthur’s roundtable and beyond; and the concept of a reluctant savior harnessing some inner force to do things greater than himself is overtly Biblical. Still, that archetype–in the form Lucas delivered–resonated with America like nothing before it, and has become ingrained in our society’s psyche. The franchise is poised for even more popularity as Disney has promised another installment of Star Wars due in December, 2015.
Where A Baseball Fan’s Guide to the Presidential Election was Off The Bench’s way of giving our fans a familiar framework to evaluate politics, this guide is intended to give Star Wars fans a lens through which to appreciate baseball (and perhaps distract them from the Carrie Fisher rumors).
So, without further ado, The Star Wars Guide to the MLB: A history of the Empire as it came to be.
Yoda: Yogi Berra
Any discussion of Star Wars should begin with Yoda. (The fact that they invariably begin with Darth Vader is shameful and means very little to me.) Yoda is the man. (That one scene where he fights Count Dooku is insanely watchable, and you should do so now.) Aside from the obvious similarities in name, Yogi Berra parallels nicely with Yoda in other respects. To begin with, both are short and wrinkly. Both were masters of their craft, and when they could no longer battle effectively both went on to teach the next generation. While Yogi’s influence didn’t have the longevity of Yoda’s (800+ years is pretty legit) he is still highly respected in all circles. And, perhaps most importantly, both have a unique way with words.
Darth Vader (Episodes 4-6): Alex Rodriguez
The similarities here are incredible. Both started off at the top of their class; both enjoyed extreme success at an early age; and both have spiralled down a path of destruction that has completely altered their image–and the landscape of their respective universes. For Alex Rodriguez, the struggle between good and evil has played out in the public eye. The transition into full on Darth Vader mode was not complete until this Spring when he sued the same MLB Player’s Association that fought so hard to keep him on the good side. Darth Vader, too, fought the same people that wanted him to be good. At the end, it is clear that beneath the layers of filth and evil a modicum of good remains in both characters, though it is buried deep beneath a lifetime of hate.
The Dark Side: Performance Enhancing Drugs
The dark cloud that hangs over the game of baseball is the spectre of drugs that make you more powerful. The promise of unequalled power is enough to lure some of the purest, most likeable, most promising talents to the Dark Side. Once enticed, players quickly sink into the murk, getting deeper and deeper. Like Emperor Palpatine, they gain more and more power over their Jedi counterparts–until a revolution arises to oppose them. (Caveat: in baseball, unlike Star Wars, the Light Side does not need the balance of the Dark.)
Young Anikan Skywalker (Episode 1-2): Bryce Harper
Before Darth Vader was Darth Vader, he was the most talented young mind anyone had ever seen. Bryce Harper? Graced the cover of Sports Illustrated at age 15. Still, there have been whispers that Harper’s flare, arrogance, and general demeanor may portend a dark fate. He’s currently waltzing around in shirts that say PED free, but Yoda would treat the young star with caution. Many of the National’s veterans have served as his Obi-Wan Kenobi and attempted to guide him toward good, but there’s still a real fear that he could turn out to be the next Alex Rodriguez and turn to the Dark Side.
JarJar Binks: Ozzie Guillen
JarJar nearly ruined Episode 1. His buffoonery is omnipresent and, like most things invented solely to entertain a 6 year old, is annoying to anyone out of grade school. Ozzie Guillen? Comparably loud mouthed, blathering, prone to stating the obvious, sometimes funny, and constantly getting himself into trouble. Where JarJar is a complete idiot, Ozzie’s just tends to sound like one–he often raises good points. and is painfully honest, but his way of ignoring tact leads many to dislike him.
Jabba the Hutt: Jeffrey Loria
Jabba the Hutt is a crime institution. His Wikipedia describes him as a “crime lord and gangster who employs a retinue of criminals, bounty hunters, smugglers, assassins and bodyguards to operate his criminal empire.” He’s also a slug, fat, and old. Jeffrey Loria is as close to institutionalized crime as the MLB has to offer. He stole money from taxpayers to pay for a large new stadium while selling the idea of a more competitive team. He did not deliver the more competitive team and is despised in his hometown. He’s sleazy, fat, and old.
Han Solo: Mickey Mantle
Both are misunderstood womanizers who could be confused with alcoholics. A straight man could admit both were sexy, and each was a wanted man. Mantle for his post-retirement casino employment and Solo for his general intergalactic shenanigans. In the end, both are Hall of Famers, while serving as heroes to frat boys and grandpas alike.
Luke Skywalker: Mike Trout
If there is one guy that can save the galaxy from peril and distract everyone from the Dark Side, it is the awesome-ness of Mike Trout. I’m not going to go so far as to say that he alone is saving that game, but rather he has become the face of a young talented generation of baseball players that have brought new excitement to baseball. He cannot single handedly tackle the entire Dark Side, but he could just make the difference for Baseball’s High Council.
Lando Calrissian: Tony Gwynn
Because look at that picture at the top of this article.
-Sean Morash
Stat of the Day: Tony Gwynn faced Greg Maddux more than any other pitcher. His career line: 107 plate appearances, .415/.476/.521, 11 walks, ZERO strikeouts.
