From time to time here at Off The Bench, we help our readers who have a very specific set of knowledge to better understand the MLB landscape. Wether it was an attempt to help Star Wars fans, or political junkies, we’ve got a history of helping small interest groups. Today, we’re giving the early-2000s hip-hop crowd an intro into the upcoming MLB season.
As a bonus, it gives me an excuse to link to early-2000s hip-hop on the (mostly) baseball blog.
Pussycat Dolls – Don’t Cha ft. Busta Rhymes – Free Agency
This song (and it’s video) inspired many 14-year olds in 2005 to look up the definition of lust. It’s a song that centers on creating a sense of temptation and immorality. The pussycat dolls are looking to make everything that much more better/fun/whatever and are seemingly willing to sell themselves to the right bidder.
This is free agency. This is how baseball’s offseason works. Many of the game’s best players have no contract and try to lure teams to overbid for services by selling the idea that things would be better with that free agent. While I’m sure free agent pitcher James Shields has never been compared to lead pussycat doll Nicole, the Padres fell under the allure of Shields’ agent and broke the bank in the pursuit of something more.
Shaggy – It Wasn’t Me – Alex Rodriguez
In this song, Shaggy recounts the time his girlfriend caught him cheating. He forgot that he gave her an extra key to his house, and she caught him multiple times, in multiple places. He continued to deny it, that it wasn’t him.
Alex Rodriguez has repeatedly cheated on the game of baseball. He admitted that he used performance enhancing drugs on multiple occasions, through high school, in his days in Texas, and was finally busted in 2013 and suspended for all of the 2014 season. He fought this suspension at every turn. He tried to bribe investigators, sued over the legitimacy of the suspension, and was generally a jerk throughout the process. Shaggy was similarly out of touch in this song, here.
BJ Upton: Nelly – Over and Over ft. Tim McGraw
This song is about thinking about things over and over again, so we needed a player who did the same thing over and over again. Baseball, and its 162 game season, tends to be repetitive and no player encapsulates this like BJ Upton, who will surely repeat what he has for the past two years – taking futile hacks at 95 mph fastballs right down the middle. Sometimes, BJ breaks serve and reaches base via the strikeout. Still, he’s going to strikeout over and over again.
Ryan Lavarnway: Snoop Dogg – Drop It Like It’s Hot ft. Pharrel Williams
A common theme in professional sports is that “it’s a business.” Guys who are dropped cite their understanding of the economics and the “business side” of the sport when explaining how they feel.
Ryan Lavarnway was dropped by his employer 3 times in the first 23 days of December. He’s just seen the uglier side of the business of baseball.
Hunter Pence: Missy Elliot – Get Your Freak On
Hunter Pence looks like this. He’s a freak. And he’s good at baseball.
Jayson Werth: Ludacris – Act a Fool
This is a song about driving too fast, too furious. It’s about riding away from cops and acting a fool by driving too fast.
Jayson Werth drove fast this offseason. He got nailed for doing 105 mph in a 55 mph zone. While I don’t know if Werth fares well with fastballs over 100, this speeding ticket landed him 10 days in jail. Werth will reportedly serve the sentence on the weekends before Spring Training begins.
Miguel Cabrera: Kanye West – Drive Slow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWoUCDTfWqA
Apparently this song is a “homage to the art of creeping through the hood, with a more general message about taking life easy.” I think it’s more about sippin’ on some alcohol while rollin’ around looking for honeys to holler at.
Miguel Cabrera’s fit here is imperfect since he was a bit more intoxicated in 2011 than the message of Drive Slow. Still, Cabrera obviously enjoys himself a beer, and seems to with an easy swagger. The game has always come easy to Miggy, one of the best there is.
Johnny Giavotella: Tupac – How Do U Want It
In this song, I believe that Tupac is asking a variety of girls how they want Tupac to act in their presence. He’s showing his diverse capabilities and his ability to appeal to other interested stakeholders.
Johnny Giavotella seems to equally cater his services, abilities, and offerings according to the audience. Giavotella is a 5’8, white second baseman, battling for a job this Spring. He’ll surely be asking coaches about how they want it in March.
Matt Kemp: Jay Z – Dirt Off Your Shoulder
Matt Kemp always looks like he has dirt on his shoulder. It’s really just pine tar.
However, this analogy goes beyond appearances. Kemp has had critics, and has yet to live up to his MVP potential. He’s with the Padres now and is owed over $100M for the next 5 years, and will surely have more criticism lobbed in his direction. Kemp will be wise to brush that criticism off his shoulder and focus on bringing San Diego its first World Series title ever.
David Ortiz: Big Pun – Still Not a Player
“I ain’t a player, I just crush a lot.” David Ortiz doesn’t play in the field, but he does crush baseballs. He’d be unhappy if he knew we were classifying Designated Hitters as non-players, but in the eyes of much of today’s baseball world, the DH is something different.
Mike Foltynewicz: Jermaine Dupri – Welcome to Atlanta
The Atlanta Braves underwent a complete overhaul this offseason. They have rebuilt the team, and effectively punted on 2015 in an attempt to have a better team in the future.
If the Braves are to have Atlanta “crunk” again as Ludacris once did, Mike Foltynewicz will be leading the way. The hard throwing right-handed pitcher’s success (or lackthereof) will give good indication for how the Braves rebuild goes.
Mark Buehrle: Ying Yang Twins – Drop Like This 2001
There hasn’t been anything quite like the Ying Yang Twins since they started doing their thing in the early 2000s. They’ve made a Christmas song, and numerous songs that require sexually explicit warnings. Mark Buehrle doesn’t carry the same sexually explicit warning, but he has been doing his same thing since 2001. He’s posted 10 seasons of sub-4.00 ERA and over 200 innings. He’ll be back at it in 2015, with mostly the same repertoire as the early 2000’s.
I think it’s time to call this vitally important exercise quits. The successful-ish comparison of the Ying Yang Twins and Mark Buehrle, as riveting as it was, is not the type of analytic and thoughtful material that Off The Bench strives to provide.
-Sean Morash
