The Shrine. The Wall of Base-game Greats. Famous Go-go Run-hit-bat guys. The Room of Requirement. Whatever you call the Baseball Hall of Fame– and you should probably just call it that, because that’s what it’s called– it is a place where the game’s best infielders, outfielders, pitchers, catchers, managers, executives, like five umpires, and apparently someone named Roger Bresnahan are enshrined in upstate New York– forever remembered for their triumphs on the field (or for the Mets players, just for being really popular). These players are living, breathing champions, except for the many dead ones. These players are baseball heroes, not hockey zeroes (not implying that all hockey players are zeroes, just saying that these are not they). These are Hall. Of. Famers. As a Hall of Famer you get pride, you get your place in history, and you get a cool bronze-version of your face, which not a lot of people have (Note: I have 700 bronze masks of my face). This is it. This is famous. This is– Oh yeah, you can also call it Cooperstown –this is the HALL OF FAME!
Wow. That pumped me up. Now here is an article detailing the on-field achievements of each of these baseball men and whether or not they are deemed worthy (by me) of the Hall of Fame. Play ball!
Garrett Anderson:
Team his hat will be: Angels
Best stat: Career batting average: .500
Eye color: Red
Quote: “You can play outfield!” – Garret Anderson to himself
You may remember him as the guy who made the leaping spinny catch over the wall in centerfield in Texas, but that was actually Gary Mathews Jr. It’s likely that his Hall of Fame plaque would end up being Gary Mathews Jr. too. Am I writing about Gary Mathews, Jr. again?
Hall of Fame?: YES 100%
Brad Ausmus:
Team his hat will be: a catcher’s helmet with no logo on it
Best stat: only living member on this year’s ballot
woTRERAyaBP%iJGzobaps (weighted on-base true randomized earned run average yearly adjusted because pitchers [percentage sign] I just Googled zanily offer batting advice per start): exactly 2
Quote: “Someone please call me Bradley Ausmus.” – Brad Ausmus during every press conference
Brad Ausmus now is the manager for the Tigers and he can’t miss a game just to be enshrined in the HOF. Who would manage the team? The pitcher would pitch until his arm died and the hitters wouldn’t know to run down to first after hitting the ball. Brad Ausmus is a bit of a hands on coach. Brad Ausmus is also not good at playing baseball or managing. Still, it would be embarrassing if only Garret Anderson was on the ballot.
Hall of Fame?: YES- BY 1 VOTE OVER THE MINIMUM
Jeff Bagwell:
Team his hat will be: it will be a picture of a bag
Best stat: 4213 total bases, but he calls them “total bags”
Bags: Well
Quote: “I bag ‘em well.”
Jeff Bagwell is weirdly only interested in bags, and that those bags be in a condition that could be described as “well.” It’s like a weird pseudo-marketing gimmick thing but he doesn’t seem to be selling anything. I saw him walking down the street just saying “Bag ‘em well,” to a garbage man. It does not make any sense. Anyway, great ballplayer. Weird, weird dude.
Hall of Fame?: YES, ALLOWED IN WITHOUT A VOTE
Barry Bonds:
Team his hat will be – New York Baseball Giants
Best stat: 2986 games played*
* – he cheated in most of them
Isolated Discipline: You care about this stupid statistic?
Quote: “Sorry I’m not sorry, sorrypants!”
The Undisputed* Home Run* King* hit more home runs than anyone, ugh it pains me to say this. Oh, woe is me, the man who wanted to be better at his job got a leg up and then became the best and then we all got mad at him! Oh, I cannot take how he tried to do a good job! Ugh, the sanctitiy of the game! Ugh, I have no morals so I will vote this man in! Ouughhhhh!
….Sorry about that. He was pretty good. Sure, let him in.
*1- it’s very disputed
*2 – he never ran on a home run, it should really be a home jog
*3- last I checked we live in a democracy! This ain’t feudalism, Barry!
Hall of Fame?: LET THE CHEAT IN!
Luis Castillo:
Hat he will wear on plaque: Oh! Luis Castillo? Let me see if I have any Luis Castillo hats in here…
Best stat: Hmm…weird, I’m looking at where his statistics page should be and nothing is coming up.
Runs: Weird, runs is one of the most basic stats, and not even that is showing up.
Quote: Okay, I searched “Luis Castillo baseball” and nothing showed up. That must mean-YOU GUYS…
LUIS CASTILLO NEVER PLAYED BASEBALL! Why would they put a fictional person on the ballot! This must be like that time Dalton Trumbo won the Oscar but he was blacklisted so Hollywood gave it to some other person! You know, that thing that happened seventy years ago that everyone remembers and talks about daily! Luis Castillo is a lie! Keep him off your ballots!
Hall of Fame?: YEAH SURE. THROW THE CHARACTER FROM THE NATURAL AND AIR BUD UP THERE TOO
(Editors Note: Luis Castillo is a real player)
Next week: Clemens, Eckstein, Edmonds, Garciaparra, and Glaus– A truly terrible pitching rotation.
-Jason Weitzman
