Even more exciting than pitchers and catchers reporting, we’re back with more baseball Hall of Fame analysis!
Ken Griffey Jr.:
Hat he will wear on his plaque: Mariners, in his signature tucked-between-his-chin-an-neck style
Best stat: .5 nShares, (.5 name shares in MLB history, tied with his dad)
Favorite California Hamburger Joint: “Honestly, anything but Carl’s Jr! I get it! My name is Junior thus I should like Carl’s Jr! I AM NOT MY FATHER!!!!!!!! PULL OVER DAD, I NEED TO CRY!!!!!!!!”
Quote: “We are going to Carl’s Jr and you’re going to like it!” Ken Griffey Sr. on his son’s choice of going to anywhere but Carl’s Jr. and they are not pulling the car around because they’ve already made it this far, dammit.
Ken Griffey Jr. was known for being young then he was known for being old. In a way, he is just like everyone. Except dead young musicians. Anyway, “Junior” or “Griffey” or “Kenneth” or “Griffey Jr” or “Ken Griffey Jr” or “Ken Griffey Sr” or “Jeff Bagwell,” whatever nickname you had for him he was one of the most popular baseball players of all time and a proud face of baseball for years. Ken Griffey Junior is great and Ken Griffey Junior for president.
Hall of Fame?: …..oh oops, I already used my ten votes. Eh, who cares? I’ll just write the names in smaller font. HE’S IN!
Mark Grudzielanek:
Hat he will wear on his plaque: Duke Snider’s Dodgers hat
Best stat: 35,388 AAPGP (35,388 attendance added per game played)
All-Star starts: 52, played in every one in every year of his professional career for both AL and NL squads, has been awarded an honorary roster spot on both teams every year since retiring and keeps that through death
Quote: “My god Mark, you are popular.” – everyone
If anyone thought Ken Griffey Junior, was popular, that was nothing compared to “The Sensational Superstar who Is The Most Perfect and Most Well-known Person in the Whole Galaxy and All of Our Heroes as he is The Greatest Baseball Player We Have Had the Privilege to Lay Eyes On!” as Mark Grudzeilaneck was known. Or “The Most Perfect and Most Well-known Person,” for short. Grundelanik (it’s getting harder to spell from memory) was internationally famous for bringing baseball to each of the 193 countries in the United Nations and making it the most popular sport in each country. Every non-English speaking country calls it “Grud-ball” or a derivative of that. Graendzuhlanik was the baseball celebrity, his face adorned The New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Budapest Daily, and every major worldwide newspaper every single day showing his batting line and fielding statistics. His AAPGP was so astronomical – 35,388! – that over 35,000 people would enter the stadium per game just to see him play! You can see this is well over the MLB capacity for most stadiums and it became a nightmare for people getting stampeded to death just to see Grndzlnk play. Even if he wasn’t in the game, as soon as he pinch-hit 35,388 people would rush into the stadium, causing another catastrophic stampede. The US population actually tripled once he stopped playing baseball as people stopped spending so much time at the ball park. Mark Grndlanekskshdjwenffyelanik was the most popular baseball player and is the most recognizable person on the planet. Everyone thinks that on Mount Rushmore one of the presidents is Theodore Roosevelt, but no. It’s Mark Gruondzelanyek. It’s Mark Grundzalongyek.
Hall of Fame?: The people would riot if he wasn’t on the ballot
Mike Hampton:
Hat he would wear on plaque: Colorado Rockies football helmet memorabilia item
Best stat: July 14, 1998: 458 consecutive pickoff attempts without throwing a pitch
Type of pitcher: belly-itcher
Quote: “Mike Hampton: one of the underrated greats.” – Mike Hampton
I just looked at his stats and apparently Mike Hampton played for Houston far longer than Colorado. Go figure!
In baseball, pitchers don’t know how to hit or they don’t. Mike Hampton was a horrible pitcher in terms of not being able to not hit. He hit .344 one year and hit 7 home runs the year before! Those numbers are good enough to be the 2 billionth best power hitter in the steroid era. Mike Hampton succeeded in other non-pitching measures too, like stealing a league-high 28 bases in 2005 (Editor’s Note: Nope), being a successful Texans fullback for a good six seasons, and discovering a mathematical phenomenon known as the Zhang Twin Prime Conjecture. Mike Hampton could also slay the guitar! That factoid will get on the plaque.
Hall of Fame? NO NO-HITTERS? NO NO HALL-OF-FAME!
Trevor Hoffman:
Hat he will wear on his plaque: 28 of his 1,035 games were with the Marlins so he’s wearing a Marlins cap
Best stat: 652 – Mariano Rivera’s saves
Pitching position: end-game man
Quote: “You’re out, mommy!” – Trevor Hoffman during his nightmares
Trevor Hoffman is first of all known for being the only Trevor to ever succeed at his field. He was also a baseball pitcher and known as one of the greats of the late 1990’s and early 2000’s – hold on. Trevor Hoffman only had 3 career holds? That is horrible for someone who is claiming to be one of the best relievers. Wait, he never threw a complete game? He barely pitched at all! Are you kidding me? 58 intentional walks! He should just get those guys out, not put them on! And he played for the Padres? I’ve never heard of that team! Bench him!
Hall of Fame?: I DON’T MEAN TO BE POLITICAL BUT RELIEVERS AND DH’S SHOULD OBVISOULY GET IN
Jason Kendall:
Hat he will enter hall in: whatever hat he’s wearing the day they make his plaque, probably
Best stat: .288 career batting average – seems pretty good
Is he Andrew McCutchen?: He is not Andrew McCutchen
Quote: “Oh baby you! You got what I need! And you say he’s just a friend. And you say he’s just a friend!” – Jason Kendall sang along to this song once
Jason Kendall is a baseball player, like everyone else in the Hall of Fame.
Next week: Kent, Lowell, Martinez (not the good one!), McGriff and McGwire! Mc and Mc!
-Jason Weitzman
