What If Major League Baseball Was Entirely Alphabetical? (Part 1)
Sometimes, here at Off the Bench, we digress. Often, on such occasions, the culprit is Out of the Park Baseball (OOTP – the singular simulator that lets us answer such life and death questions as how would Mike Trout perform playing his entire career in the Pecos League?). Now is such an occasion…
We can all agree that baseball is great – but how great would it be if every roster in the MLB were reconstructed such that it consisted only of players who shared the same first letter of their first name? The answer is, undeniably: really, really great. BUT, that scenario raises an even more important question: Under such circumstances, which letter of the alphabet would beget the winningest team?
Luckily, thanks to the magic of OOTP 19, the newest in a long line of fantastic MLB simulation games from Out of the Park Developments, we need not wallow in ignorance.
First though, setting up the league… This took HOURS. I love OOTP and will sing its praises for days, but reorganizing the MLB (and MiLB) into like-named teams was not a pleasant experience. Aside from normal things like adding the DH to both leagues to keep things even, turning off trades and free agency so that computerized GM’s couldn’t go messing with their rosters mid-sim, and getting rid of financial constraints on team building – just getting the players on the right teams was arduous.
OOTP lets you import league rosters as a file so that you can sort things out outside of the game’s semi-restrictive UI, but even after doing that (more than once) things didn’t go very smoothly. I had a ton of really good free agents that just weren’t assigned to teams even though they were in the raw .CSV file. Stephen Strasburg, for instance, wasn’t with the rest of the S’s so I had to manually go in and add him (a process that takes way to many clicks and menu scrolls, if you ask me). It wouldn’t have been so bad though if I didn’t have to do it for more than 100 players (why, for example, did Yoan Moncada wind up on the F’s and Michael A. Taylor on the E’s?).
I had to go roster by roster, but eventually I arrived at a clean, alphabetically-constructed, 23-team league.
Wait, you’ll say, aren’t there 26 letters of the alphabet? Indeed there are – but extenuating circumstances are at play. First, likely due to parental preference and the constraints of the modern Latin alphabet, teams X, Q, and U were necessarily combined into team XQU. Astute readers will, at this point, note that we are still missing a letter. That is because there is no Team W. I discovered, very late in the process, that I forgot to make a Team W, and by that point, hours and hours in, it was too late. As such, this sim simply denies the very existence of W players like Wil Myers and Wilson Contreras. Sorry. If you think you can do better – and you probably can – go buy OOTP and try it yourself.
Now let’s take a look at the rosters.
Team A
Not a bad start. I think I’d go with Andrew McCutchen over Aaron Altherr in left but this is a solid team. Adrian Beltre, Aaron Hicks, and Andrew Benintendi are also there. Also good on the pitching side of things. This rotation won’t match up great with some others but it isn’t as bad as what most teams will be stuck with.
Team B
This rotation will not hold up over the course of a full season. It feels like we’re missing some obvious B starters here, right? How is Blake Snell the best starting pitcher in baseball with a name that starts with B? As to the lineup though, that’ll play. Ben Revere leading off in 2018 isn’t ideal but Billy Hamilton is the only backup outfielder on the roster. In fact, it’ll be depth that kills Team B – you’re basically looking at all the talent on this roster right here. The game doesn’t think Bartolo Colon is any good (which is dumb, if you ask OTBB editor Ari Glantz).
Team C
Now we’re talking. Look at that starting staff, it’s definitely the best in baseball and it’s not really close. Kershaw is the best in the sport, Sale is the second best lefty, and Kluber might be the best righty. That’ll do.
On offense, the top 5 are just silly. I’m not sure if Carlos Asuaje is a better second baseman than Cesar Hernandez or even Chase Utley but this team is going to win a ton of games even if there are some suboptimal lineup decisions here and there.
Team D
Pitching will cary Team D. Who is Dan Butler? Why is he hitting second? David Wright feels like he’d really help this team.
Team E
I actually really like this team. The managerial decision to go with Eduardo Nunez over Elvis Andrus is curious. Also, who knew all the catchers in baseball were so poorly disbursed across the letters? Where’s Einar Diaz when you need him, right? Past that though, I think this team is pretty solid top to bottom. They lack some star power but they’ll score runs and hopefully they have some prospects to bolster the backend of their rotation.
Team F
Gotta be honest, there are a lot of guys on this team that I had never heard of before just now. Freddie Freeman and Fransisco Lindor may have a long summer ahead of them. Frandy De La Rosa and Fernery Ozuna each have career minor league OPS’s below .700. Each spent 2017 in High-A, but this exercise hands them a starting gig in the Major Leagues.
Team G
Pretty good actually. Garrett Hampson is a bit random, but 2-9 in this lineup are all legit big leaguers, more or less. Also, the top 3 in the rotation isn’t half bad. The G’s will win some games. (Also, G names gravitate to the Yankees much?)
Team H
I guess this team is ok. The lineup is laughably top-heavy. The bottom half requires a baseball encyclopedia, so they won’t be able to hang with some of the best in the league (clearly not Team C or Team J as we’ll see). The bullpen isn’t terrible though with Hunter Strickland, Hansel Robles, Hector Rondon, and Heath Hembree. They also have Hoby Milner. This feels like a great time to mention the wealth of baseball names that we’re blessed with – this team isn’t just a bunch of guys named Hank or Hector. Between the photos above and the bullpen, we’re working with 16 different names that start with H.
Team I
Ay, ay ay. The only decent player on the roster you don’t see here is Ian Krol. This will not go well, but Ichiro will get 600 plate appearances and a chance to pass Willie Mays on the all-time hits list (he needed 203 hits at the start of the season).
Team J
Now we’re cooking again. That’s an All-Star team on the offensive side. It’s the first group that we’ve seen that might be better than Team C. Every pitcher is arguably a number 1; every hitter is unquestionably a starter (barring perhaps Young Joc) – and more than a couple are MVP-caliber. Oh, and the bullpen has Jake Arrieta, Jose Berrios, and Jameson Taillon. No big deal.
Team K
The lineup has a ton of talent actually, but this team’s downfall over the course of 162 games will be that they have absolutely no depth – as evidenced by the rotation in which one of those pitchers is not like the 4 others.
Team L
Here, again, we have a serious depth problem. However, the starting rotation is really good. Those are some of the game’s most talented young starters, even if they have shorter resumes than one might prefer. The L’s will not be all L’s in this game. RIP Team W, who caught the biggest L of them all…
Team M
Mike Trout is just one of the big names on our third team that looks like it could be baseball’s best, though it’s funny that he just can’t escape old, formerly-great first basemen hitting behind him. Solid like a rock everywhere – I’m not sure if I prefer this lineup to the J’s but it’s awfully close. That rotation is also about as close as we’ve seen to C’s. M is definitely one of the four or five best rosters, with only SS Marco Hernandez giving us pause.
Team N
A lot of guys names Nick surround the stars named Nolan and Noah, two of baseball’s best players. The Neftali in the bullpen spices things up a little. It’s not an awful team, but the pitching will hold it back. Also, why is Nomar Mazara on the bench?
Team O
Speaking of awful teams…. Does it still count as a depth issue if the team does not even go 5-deep offensively with Major Leaguers? Ofelky Peralta has a great name, but managed a 5+ ERA in high-A last year. Poor Ofelky might be in for a long year.
Team P
Like many others, the P’s struggle with depth. Peter Moylan and Pat Venditte in the bullpen make this team likable and fun to root for, though.
Team R
The R’s can hang. I like this starting rotation and it’s proven uncommon to find a team this solid top to bottom. I don’t know who Rangel Ravelo is but the team is good enough that if he’s just league-average, the team should be ok.
Team S
Where would this team be without Shohei Ohtani? He’s a key piece on both sides of the ball, though Shelby Miller is in the bullpen with Sean Doolittle and Sean Newcomb if needed. On offense, the S’s have no real superstar and limited depth, but they have a lot of talent. This could be a Wild Card type team.
Team T
T will be up there with the best. I don’t think they’re quite as good as C, J, or M but they are only a half step below. The rotation isn’t as star-studded as some others but it’s certainly filled with potential. On offense, things are pretty boom or bust. If Trea Turner, Trevor Story, Tommy Pham, and others play up to expectations, this could be a very good team.
Team V
This isn’t really fair. The V’s had enough quantity to avoid being folded in with the X’s, Q’s, and U’s, but not really enough talent. Sorry, V’s! On the plus side, we get a heavy dose of 19 year old Vlad Guerrero Jr. against Major League pitching!
Team XQU
I felt bad, ok. I didn’t want Xander Boegarts to suffer this much so I gave him his former teammate with the Netherlands in the World Baseball Classic, Jonathan Schoop. So sue me. He wasn’t starting for the J’s anyway. Also, half those guys are playing out of position. Xavier LeGrant is a 20-year old second baseman with 8 professional games under his belt. This team sucks.
Team Y
So Team Y is legit. This is the other team I think will compete for the title. We’ll talk about it more once the season get’s started, but it seems like Y has all the catching with Yasmani Grandal, Yan Gomes, and Yadier Molina. A few fun notes that Team Y brings to the table: Yasmani Grandal and Yasmany Tomas bat back-to-back, but spell their names differently; Y’s have a lot of fun – with Yoan Moncada, Yasiel Puig, and Yoenis Cespedes at the top of the lineup, think how high the swag/joy quotient will be for this team; and finally: Cuban parents apparently like Y names.
Team Z
Zach’s galore. Literally, everyone starting for this team is named some variation of Zach/k. The Zach/k’s aren’t that good though.
So there you have it. That’s all 23 teams organized by first letter of first name. In review, it looks to me like C, J, M, and Y are the class of the league, followed by N, T, S, maybe D.
As I said, it took way too long to set this up but it’s done. Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series, where we sim the season and see how things really shake up.
-Max Frankel
