What Game are the Astros Playing?
Find a piece of paper and a pencil. Now, diagram the defensive positions on a baseball field. Your drawing probably looks a lot like this:
(Image courtesy of Wikipedia)
This is how we all learned to play baseball growing up, and for a long time it was accurate. However, the only defenders that really have to stay in a certain place are the pitcher and catcher (and to an extent the first baseman). MLB teams have become increasingly creative with defensive positioning, and sometimes it even looks like this:
Joey Gallo grounded out to the Houston Astros Right Side Monster. pic.twitter.com/x8u3heRUtj
— Andrew Simon (@AndrewSimonMLB) May 12, 2018
This picture of the Astros shift on the Rangers’ Joey Gallo on May 11 made its way around the baseball Internet. It certainly isn’t anything like Wikipedia tells us baseball is supposed to look like. If you weren’t familiar with Jose Altuve, there would be no possible way to identify him as the nominal second baseman.
There’s nothing wrong with the shift. The Astros clearly believe this is the best way to get Joey Gallo out and they haven’t broken any rules. It just doesn’t look at all like a traditional baseball team. So what does it look like? Here are a few ideas.
1) The Astros are Actually Playing Football
This formation looks a lot more familiar in a different sport altogether. Somewhere in foul territory down the first base line, there is an invisible football team about to kickoff. Marwin Gonzalez is the kick returner for Houston and the 6 defenders in right field are blocking for him. The problem here is Altuve. The reigning AL MVP is listed at 5’6″, 165 pounds, yet he’s at the front of the formation. That’s far from ideal size for a lead blocker. In fact, considering his agility and quickness, as demonstrated by his 233 stolen bases, he should probably be the kick returner. Marwin Gonzalez is pretty athletic too, but at 6’1″, 205 he’s more likely to have success blocking a linebacker or safety.
2) Marwin Gonzalez has a Contagious Disease
Imagine for a moment that there are no managers or coaches. Players are free to position themselves wherever they want without interference from an authority figure. Now imagine, in this scenario, that one of those players has the flu. In spite of his illness, he insists on playing anyway. Maybe it’s dedication to the team, delusional stupidity, or simply an overabundance of machismo. The other players are powerless to stop him; they have no authority over one another. However, they do have defined social constructs, and no one wants to be a pariah on their own team. So if the rest of the Astros tell Gonzalez to get away from them for fear of infection, he has no choice but to listen. The rest of them bunch together as far from poor Marwin as possible. Hopefully, they’ll at least order him some chicken soup.
3) Marwin Gonzalez Used a Power-Up
Contrary to suggestion #2, perhaps Gonzalez is a superhero. He might have found one of the mushrooms from Mario Kart that will give him a quick burst of acceleration. As soon as Gallo makes contact, he’ll eat the mushroom, allowing him to cover half of the field all by himself. Alternatively, maybe he’s using Game Genie or has a cheat code of some kind. With a super left fielder, it only makes sense for the mere mortal Astros to bunch together to cover the right side of the field. Super Marwin’s got the left side taken care of!
4) Marwin Gonzalez has the Grumps
Anyone who’s been to a sporting event for kids under the age of 9 knows all about this. Within 15 minutes of the start of the game (usually closer to 5), one of the athletes will get upset and start crying. Maybe they disagree with the umpire or referee, want to play a different position, or would simply rather play Minecraft at home.
“It’s not FAIR!!” cried Marwin. “I want to be the RIGHT FIELDER!! Josh ALWAYS gets to play right field!” he screamed, as he stomped off toward the stands looking for his mommy.
5) This is Calvinball
One of the greatest syndicated comic strips ever was Bill Watterson’s Calvin and Hobbes. Neither 6-year-old Calvin nor his stuffed tiger Hobbes were very athletic. However, they did have unbelievable imaginations, and one of their recurring favorite activities was Calvinball.
Calvinball is a game invented by Calvin and Hobbes in which the players make the rules up as they go along. Rules cannot be used twice (except for the rule that rules cannot be used twice), and any plays made in one game may not be made again in any future games.
If the Astros were indeed playing Calvinball and making up the rules as they went along, that could explain their funky defensive positioning. With 6 players bunched in the right field corner, Gallo stands no chance of reaching 9th base safely! Since Calvinball can’t be played the same way twice, who knows what they’ll dream up next time they face Gallo?
-Daniel R. Epstein
