Sorting MLB Teams into Hogwarts Houses
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Yes, I know how nerdy and pointless this article is, and I don’t care. Author J.K. Rowling sold more than a half billion Harry Potter books in 80 languages. I own seven of them, all in English. Of the hundreds of millions of Harry Potter devotees, I can’t be the only one who loves baseball more than Quidditch.
For the uninitiated, every student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is sorted into one of four houses on their first day. The houses are as follows, with descriptions paraphrased from Wikipedia: the greatest source of all magical and Muggle knowledge.
- Gryffindor- Values courage and bravery. Harry and most of the protagonists in the book series are Gryffindors.
- Hufflepuff- Values hard work and effort. Frankly, Hufflepuffs usually aren’t very good at much.
- Ravenclaw- Values intelligence and learning. Wisdom, and the pursuit thereof, are paramount to Ravenclaws.
- Slytherin- Values ruthless cunning and ambition. To quote Hagrid, “There’s not a witch or wizard who went bad who wasn’t in Slytherin.”
Now that you’re all caught up, let’s put the Sorting Hat on for every MLB team! Only one rule- each division must have at least one team in every house.
AL East
- Baltimore Orioles: Hufflepuff Coming off a 47-115 season, the Orioles are the most talentless team in recent memory. Given that they’ve also taken a pass on signing international players for the last few years, their organization isn’t much better than the major league squad.
- Boston Red Sox: Gryffindor The Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry is almost as legendary as Yankees-Red Sox, so of course the two AL East juggernauts have to represent those houses. Even though I’m a Yankees fan, I recognize which team most baseball fans consider to be the good guys.
- New York Yankees: Slytherin Only Slytherins could embrace the Evil Empire nickname. Also, Lucius Malfoy kind of looks like a Steinbrenner.
- Tampa Bay Rays: Ravenclaw The Rays are one of baseball’s greatest purveyors of analytics. They introduced the concept of the opener, and were probably the first team to jump on the pitch framing bandwagon. They won 90 games last year with a low payroll largely thanks to innovation.
- Toronto Blue Jays: Hufflepuff How long has it been since the Blue Jays reached the World Series? 25 years? That’s definitely Hufflepuff material.
AL Central
- Chicago White Sox: Hufflepuff The White Sox have a long history of mostly irrelevant baseball. Over 118 seasons, they have a 9211-9126 record, but they’ve only made the playoffs nine times. How many of the top 10 White Sox in career bWAR can you name? Unless you’re a true student of baseball history, probably no more than two or three at most.
- Cleveland Indians: Ravenclaw Cleveland was one of the earliest embracers of the analytics movement. If they trade Corey Kluber, we may have to reevaluate because that wouldn’t be very wise.
- Detroit Tigers: Slytherin Remember the way they sold off Justin Verlander, Justin Upton, and even the GM’s son (Alex Avila) in 2017? That was coldblooded. Kind of like a serpent- the Slytherin mascot.
- Kansas City Royals: Gryffindor Everyone was rooting for them when they reached the World Series in 2014-15. Today’s Royals don’t much resemble those plucky overachievers of a few years ago, but they’re Gryffindors all the same.
- Minnesota Twins: Hufflepuff The Twins haven’t reached the Division Series since 2010, which was before the second Wild Card. They last reached the Championship Series in 2002, and the World Series in 1991.
AL West
- Houston Astros: Slytherin Slytherins will stop at nothing to reach their goals, and the Astros rise to prominence was less than scrupulous. They drafted Brady Aiken with the number one overall pick, then decided not to sign him. They play in a stadium formerly known as Enron Field.
- Los Angeles Angels: Hufflepuff Mike Trout makes Cedric Diggory look like Neville Longbottom. Even with the greatest player on the planet, they still haven’t reached .500 since 2015. They’ve never won a playoff game in the Trout Era.
- Oakland Athletics: Ravenclaw The Moneyball book and subsequent movie pretty much seal the deal for the A’s being Ravenclaws.
- Seattle Mariners: Gryffindor Mariners GMJerry Dipoto makes more bold trades than anyone. He’s been involved in the first two significant trades of the offseason, sending Mike Zunino to the Rays and James Paxton to the Yankees. Trading players constantly requires great courage and conviction, much like a Gryffindor.
- Texas Rangers: Slytherin Many of the greatest players in Rangers history are tainted by drug or steroid allegations, including Alex Rodriguez, Ivan Rodriguez, Josh Hamilton, and Rafael Palmeiro.
NL East
- Atlanta Braves: Slytherin The Braves new stadium deal is possibly the worst ever for taxpayers. There’s also the Coppolella scandal, in which their former GM was banned from baseball for life for coloring outside the international signing rules. They also still use the Tomahawk Chop. This is all extremely Slytherin.
- Miami Marlins: Slytherin The Marlins have two ill-gotten championships, in which they immediately sold off all their best players right after. In 2012, they signed big-name free agents Jose Reyes and Mark Buerhle under a false commitment to winning, then traded them away as soon as they secured a new stadium deal. Like the Braves, it’s extremely Syltherin.
- New York Mets: Hufflepuff I mean, they’re the Mets. This is the ultimate can’t-get-right team in the history of sports.
- Philadelphia Phillies: Gryffindor The Phillies are going to be a fun team to root for over the next few years. They’ve got a young core that they will hopefully supplement with key free agents. They can be the Gryffindors of the division for the next several seasons.
- Washington Nationals: Ravenclaw The Nationals have built their roster through several shrewd moves, including signing Max Scherzer as a free agent, trading for Trea Turner as a prospect, and inking Stephen Strasburg to a creative extension.
NL Central
- Chicago Cubs: Gryffindor Much like the Royals, practically everyone was rooting for them to break the 108 year curse when they won the 2016 World Series. It was a moment for all of baseball to celebrate, except for possibly the Cardinals.
- Cincinnati Reds: squibs Squibs are non-magical people born to wizard families. Despite coming from a famous wizarding lineage, the current generation of Reds shows no magical proclivities.
- Milwaukee Brewers: Ravenclaw The Brewers won the last offseason, trading for Christian Yelich and signing Lorenzo Cain. Such foresight is smiled upon by the Ravenclaws.
- Pittsburgh Pirates: Hufflepuff The Pirates haven’t been to the Championship Series since 1992, and the World Series since 1979. Besides, their yellow and black uniforms are a near perfect match for Hufflepuff.
- St. Louis Cardinals: Slytherin 1) Cardinals Devil Magic ability to create stellar rookies from non-prospects, 2) their self-proclaimed Best Fans in Baseball, and 3) the Chris Correa cheating scandal. Need anymore evidence to put the Cardinals in Slytherin?
NL West
- Arizona Diamondbacks: Slytherin They’re literally named after a venomous serpent. Only a Slytherin organization would self-ascribe in such a way.
- Colorado Rockies: Hufflepuff Pretty much every major Rockies free agency decision fails. The Ian Desmond contract is a major albatross, as are several large contracts for relievers. This has been the case going back to the days of Mike Hampton.
- Los Angeles Dodgers: Slytherin It’s very Slytherin for a team to accumulate so much wealth and power. They could also face significant legal problems.
- San Diego Padres: Ravenclaw GM A.J. Preller has shrewdly positioned his team well for the next several seasons. Their farm system is far and away the best in baseball.
- San Francisco Giants: Gryffindor If the Dodgers are Slytherins, the rival Giants have to be Gryffindors. Besides, is there anyone who doesn’t root for Buster Posey?
