Baseball Position Names, Ranked
We never spoke of important things.
We spoke of the old neighborhood in Manhattan. He reminisced about “Subway Sam” Nahem, who would’ve been the greatest ever if not for arm problems and the war. He talked about playing stickball with Hank Greenberg, who was a senior when he was a freshman, and whose best sport was actually soccer. I reveled in every detail. I’m glad I did.
We spoke of art, or at least he did. He taught me about painters and sculptors, the representational and the abstract. He made stained glass depictions of Jim Abbott and Jerry Rice for me, striving to broaden the small world I knew. I didn’t listen. I wish I had.
We spoke of jokes- awful, awful jokes. He told the kind of jokes that were so unfunny, they didn’t even come around to funny again in an ironic way. Sometimes, I smiled or forced a chuckle, but not often enough. I’m sorry I didn’t.
We spoke of music and theater, politics and economics, religion and culture- all the things that don’t matter. We spoke about baseball most of all; that was just for me. I didn’t realize.
The conversation ended 15 years ago. We spoke so often about all the frivolous, tiny things without saying the important things- the important thing. We didn’t need to. It was always right there in plain view- embedded in every line, every joke, every story, every smile.
Here’s an unimportant thing for you to make meaningful with someone in your life, should you choose to do so.
Baseball Position Names, Ranked
Most baseball position names are pretty dumb when you think about it. Here is an INDISDUTABLY CORRECT ranking from best to worst.
1. Center Fielder
This is perhaps the one position that intuitively makes any sense. If you bring a complete neophyte to a baseball game and ask them to point to the player in the center of the field, they really only have two options: the center fielder and the pitcher. That’s a 50/50 shot of guessing correctly, which isn’t very good for the top-ranked position name if we’re being honest. This will go downhill quickly.
2. Catcher
If you think about it, the person who actually catches the baseball the most is the pitcher. They have to catch the ball in between every pitch, whether thrown by the catcher or the umpire. The catcher tries to catch every pitch, but sometimes the bat gets in the way, and then the ball is caught by another player, a fan, or nobody at all. Besides, the catcher does so much more than just receive the pitch. However, no one catches more baseballs during live play more than the person behind the plate- hence the high ranking.
3. First Base
I know where first base is! It’s the one you run towards after you hit the ball. So why doesn’t the first baseman stand on it? They’re in the vicinity, of course, and they tend to hang out there with a runner on base, but they aren’t really manning the base very often, are they?
4. Designated Hitter
Most position names arose from the swirling chaos before the Civil War. They’re either no longer apt or not descriptive enough for where the player actually stands. More than 100 years later, we developed something too formal, too devoid of feeling. Yes, it’s a player who is designated to hit in place of the pitcher. There’s nothing technically wrong about it, but it makes batting feel like a chore. The name sounds like part of the legal disclaimer informing us that unauthorized use of this broadcast without express written consent shall be prohibited.
5. Pitcher
Was “pitch” a more common verb back in the day? They’re not pitching, they’re throwing, chucking, hurling. The most important player on the diamond sounds like they’re putting up a tent, having a tantrum, or selling a used car.
6-7. Left and Right Fielders
Center field garners the top ranking because it is, in fact, in the center of the outfield. If you’re playing center field, where does the right fielder stand? On your left! A left-handed hitter facing a right-handed pitcher is likely to pull the ball to right field, where a left-handed right fielder runs to the left, catches the ball with their right hand, and throws with their left. Of course, all this looks backward if you’re sitting in the outfield bleachers. Got it?
8. Third Base
20 years ago, third base would’ve probably ranked fourth on this list, right behind first base. The third baseman rarely goes near the actual bag, but at least they used to hang out in the area more often. With modern-day shifting, they’re frequently the only player on the left side of the infield at all! This position should really be called the left fielder.
9. Second Base
This is the greatest grade school recess kickball argument. No one is assigned any position; it’s just whoever can run where they want to play the fastest. Inevitably, one kid runs over to second base and stands right on top of it (or whatever lunchbox, backpack, or pavement crack serves as second base). Another kid scampers to the gap between first base and second. Both yell, “I got second base!” Ten full minutes and 19 batters later, they’re still debating which of them is actually playing the REAL position. “I’m telling you, this is where the second baseman really stands!” “You’re not even close to the base! I’m ON second base! I’M THE SECOND BASEMAN!” Then the whistle blows, they run over to their teacher, line up, and learn how to multiply decimals.
10. Shortstop
What else could possibly be last? Around the horn, we’ve got third base, shortstop, second base, first base. Which one of these is not like the others? Numerically, second base is “4,” third base is “5,” and shortstop is “6.” So… the 6 plays between the 4 and the 5? And sometimes they’re closer to second base than the second baseman? What even is a shortstop, anyway? All the other position names give SOME indication of where they belong. However misguided they may be, at least there’s an attempt. The shortstop could be anywhere and nowhere. It’s an absolute catastrophe of nomenclature.
