Lucky 13’s: The All Time Number 13 Team
When putting together an all-time team there are numerous factors that one should take into consideration. The quality of the players, their peak versus duration, what teams they played for, and of course, their hairstyle, whether they were in my baseball card collection, and the uniform number they wore. With all those, and even more, I didn’t list, caveats out of the way let’s take a look at the all-time Major League Baseball #13 team, the latest in a long and storied history of made up Off The Bench teams.
C: Lance Parrish (Detroit Tigers 1977-1986; California Angels 1989-1992; Cleveland 1993; Toronto Blue Jays 1995)
First things first, Parrish had a great mustache. That immediately vaults him to the top of all the available catchers, of which, let me assure you, there weren’t all that many. In reality, Parrish is pretty much everything you’d want from the person manning the backstop. Respected by his pitchers, called a smart game, a plus defensively, and a big bat to boot.
1B: Brandon Laird (Houston Astros 2012)
This one may seem out of nowhere, and if it were based solely on Laird’s MLB accomplishments you may have an argument. However, after his MLB days ended Laird went to Japan and is still in the middle of a great career. (Editor’s note: GTFO!) He’s suited up for a pair of Nippon Professional Baseball teams and has quite literally smacked the crap out of the baseball every year. What really gets him on the team is his nickname, Sushi Boy. Do you really need any more of an explanation?
2B: Ryan Theriot (Los Angeles Dodgers 2010)
I know what you’re thinking, how could Theriot make any all-time team? It’s a valid question, but what really makes an all-time team an all-timer is that they have one or two weaknesses that they still manage to overcome. That’s where Theriot comes into play. Awful baserunning, subpar fielding with almost no range, and a contact driven bat that has almost no power. This team will overcome The Riot, don’t you worry.
3B: Manny Machado (Baltimore Orioles 2012-2018; San Diego Padres 2019-2020)
The haters can all go shove it. Machado is both super balling in his wardrobe choices and one of the best baseball players to ever live. Where else could one possibly get a dynamite bat and one of the best corner infield gloves the game has ever seen all rolled into one? Plus, he’s good for one or two plays a year that piss off stodgy old white dudes and I’m all about that.
SS: Alex Rodriguez (New York Yankees 2004-2013, 2015-2016)
He appeared in 5 total games at shortstop with the Yankees, but only 1 game is needed so take your complaints elsewhere. (Editor’s note: Couldn’t you have just put A-Rod at third and Machado at short and not had to make up ridiculous criteria? Whatever, Bill, your post.) Everything I said about Machado above sort of applies to A-Rod. One of the smoothest fielding shortstops the game ever saw and without a doubt one of the best hitters in the history of the game. Yes, he used steroids, and yes, he dresses like the creepy dude who owns the awesome Peruvian restaurant down the block from me. Neither of those facts disqualifies him from being on the team.
LF: Ivan Calderon (Seattle Mariners 1984-1985)
This is 100% a baseball card and banging hairstyle pick. I mean, sure, Calderon had a decent MLB bat, one that could easily slide into the bottom of this batting order and do some damage. That matters very little next to how awesome his mid to late 1980s mangy beard/Jheri curl combo was to behold on an Upper Deck or Topps baseball card. I always wondered why someone with such great hair and a luscious beard wasn’t among the best in the league. Then I finally realized it was because all he needed was his hair and beard, everything else was secondary.
CF: Ronald Acuña Jr (Atlanta 2018-2020)
Acuña was an easy addition to this team, one of the few “no need to look at any other players, this guy is making the cut” selections. In his first few years in the big leagues, he has been the prototypical phenom. Tremendous bat, great speed on the basepaths, constantly improving defense, and a glorious personality to top off the entire package. There’s literally no way Acuña wasn’t going to end up on this team.
RF: Roberto Clemente (Pittsburgh Pirates 1955)
Clemente is better known for wearing number 21 throughout his career, but he did wear 13 for a bit. That’s all I need to give one of the best to ever play the game a slot on this team. There’s nothing I could say about Clemente that hasn’t already been said better by others. Tremendous ballplayer, an even better person, and the rock that would hold this team together.
DH: Harold Baines (Texas Rangers 1989)
In addition to that one player who you know the team has to overcome, every all-time great team also has that one player who you know will rip someone’s head off just for saying hi. That’s Baines’ roll on this roster, he’s the surly veteran who always looks pissed off, even when he’s hitting walk-off home runs and guiding his team to the playoffs. The talent is certainly there, Baines is a great hitter and an ideal fit for the designated hitter spot. Realistically though, Baines is here so he can yell at some dudes and scare opponents with his grimace. He’s also, of course, the namesake for the famous OTBB Baines Bucket method of determining Hall of Fame Eligibility.
SP: Zack Greinke (Milwaukee Brewers 2011-2012)
Greinke is a quadruple threat and possibly the best overall player on the team. He’s a great pitcher, a surefire Hall of Fame starter, everyone knows that. He’s also one of the best fielding pitchers MLB has ever seen and a better hitter than the majority of position players presently in the league. What really completes his quartet of attributes is his ability to not care about things that don’t matter to him. He’s an honest and frank guy who isn’t going to sugar coat why he likes something, dislikes something else, or is uncomfortable with something someone else said or did.
RP: Billy Wagner (Houston Astros 1995-2003; Philadelphia Phillies 2006-2009; Boston Red Sox 2009; Atlanta 2010)
When I was growing up Wagner was the flamethrower of all flamethrowers. Actually, Wagner was more than that, because while someone like Nolan Ryan would hit 100+mph on occasion, Wagner was the first pitcher I ever saw who would routinely pump 100+mph fastballs down the pipe inning after inning. As a Chicago Cubs fan, I got to witness Wagner demoralize the Cubs through my High School years and that always stuck with me.
This team would be hella fun to watch if I don’t say so myself. Who doesn’t want to experience the adventure that was Ryan Theriot on the basepaths one more time?
