Brian Snitker’s Mask Swallows His Whole Face
13 months into the pandemic, we’re all experienced mask wearers— with one notable exception. Atlanta Braves manager Brian Snitker is apparently still trying to figure it out. In one gif, his mask viciously mauls his face three separate times! Observe carefully. Take notes if you must. You bet your ass we’re breaking this down.
Weird Head Club
Before we begin, it’s important to note that masks are not one-size-fits-all. Some of us have oddly shaped heads. I’ll admit I belong in this category. I have trouble finding masks that cover my face without pulling on my ears too much. This was a bigger problem a year ago when we were all scrambling to acquire reusable face coverings. By now, I’ve amassed an assortment of acceptable masks to last me until the next laundry day.
Snitker is a card-carrying member of the Weird Head Club, which is plainly evident in the gif, but the specific weirdness of his unique head is important to this analysis. First of all, it’s humungous. By estimation, it’s maybe 15-20 percent larger than a normal adult male head. It’s also especially thumb-shaped as if he sprouted from the hand of a giant, somehow broke free from the body, then climbed down a beanstalk to manage the Braves.
The second weirdness is more subtle but essential to our understanding. Despite the overall enormity of his head, his facial features are remarkably condensed. His nose has a gravitational pull on his eyes and mouth, refusing to let them revert to their natural positions. It’s as though whoever designed his face only used a fraction of the available canvas.
All in all, this is a recipe for mask disaster. What Snitker needs is a mask with long ear handles to accommodate his prize-winning pumpkin head, but a small fabric covering that won’t engulf his entire face. This particular mask appears to be custom-made with his uniform number 43, so this is an indictment on the equipment manager as well.
Phase 1: Under the Teeth
To an extent, Snitker deserves the benefit of the doubt. Let’s assume he didn’t walk out of the dugout with his mask in his teeth like a gag. He came onto the field to have a conversation, and we’ve all experienced what happens to an ill-fitting mask when we talk a lot: it slides down and out of position.
The problem here is that Snitker didn’t complete the necessary adjustments. When your mask starts moving, you have to put it back into place before havoc reigns. Letting it slip under the nose is bad enough, but it happens to all of us Weird Headers from time to time. But by the time our subject finally makes an effort to fix his mask, he’s already tasting it. This is the mask wearer’s equivalent of getting a late jump on a fly ball that dunks in for a single.
Phase 2: In the Eyes
Having recognized that his top teeth were exposed to the world, Snitker finally decides to fix himself. However, this is a 20-grade mask adjustment. It’s tantamount to failing to run out a ground ball. His face should be benched immediately.
With a proper adjustment, he should have gently pinched the top of his mask and placed it back above his nose— assuming it was ever there in the first place. Instead, he pinched the middle, pulled it back like a slingshot, then let it fly. Had he not used this inaccurate method, this whole travesty would have been averted. He gambled and lost. The ensuing carnage resulted in his face being engulfed as though his mask was a low-budget sci-fi villain.
With his specific combination of huge, thumb-shaped head and tiny, scrunched-up face, Snitker should really know better. The odds of his mask catapulting itself exactly into place are infinitesimal. A Normal Header might be able to get away with this, but he ends up with his chin exposed and one-and-a-half eyes occluded.
Phase 3: Under the Nose
Act Three begins after a brief intermission while someone walks in front of the camera. When our show resumes, Snitker is in the most familiar mask-fail circumstance: under the nose. This does nothing to stop the spread of germs, but in this case study, we’ve long since abandoned that pretense anyway.
This is only an improvement in the public relations department. Under-the-nose is a bad look, but coaches and managers across all sports have proven to collectively be the worst mask wearers in our fair society. If he merely committed this common infraction, this wouldn’t be a story at all.
The real headline is that after completing two mask fixing attempts, his mask was STILL under his nose! Masks aren’t that complicated, Brian! It should only take one adjustment to correct a mistake. The fact that “under-the-nose” is the least terrible phase of this mask-wearing dumpster fire— not to mention the result of two failed adjustments— is a poor reflection on Weird Headers everywhere. Overwhelmingly, we do our best to cover ourselves with masks ill-designed for our unique features. We all must do our best to stop the spread of the virus, regardless of the distance from our ears to our noses. Snitker needs to go back to the film room to review his poor performance.
