Previewing All 30 MLB Teams With a Wayne’s World Quote
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The 2022 MLB season is almost here! Party time! Excellent! There are 30 MLB teams, so we’re previewing the season with lines from a 30-year-old movie. Some connections between each team and their Wayne’s World quote make more sense than others. Just go with it.
AL East
- Baltimore Orioles- Wayne: “It certainly does suck!”
- Boston Red Sox- Garth: “Mr. Donuthead, who’s trying to kill you?” Mr. Donuthead: “I don’t know, but they better not.”
- New York Yankees- Wayne: “Hi… I’m in Delaware.”
- Tampa Bay Rays- Garth: “Did you ever see that ‘Twilight Zone’ where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn’t die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?”
- Toronto Blue Jays- Wayne: “Ah, the mega-happy ending. That’s doable.”
AL Central
- Chicago White Sox- Wayne: “Party on, Garth.” Garth: “Party on, Wayne”
- Cleveland Guardians- Garth: “I’m having a good time… Not.”
- Detroit Tigers- “What I’d really love is to do Wayne’s World for a living. It might happen. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!”
- Kansas City Royals- Wayne: “No Stairway!? Denied!”
- Minnesota Twins- Garth: “OK… First I’ll access the secret military spy satellite that’s in a geosynchronous orbit over the Midwest. Then, I’ll ID the limo by the vanity plate “MR. BIGGG” and get his approximate position. Then, I’ll reposition the transmitter dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal down into the Azores, up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137, and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big’s limo… It’s almost too easy.”
AL West
- Houston Astros- Garth: “What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you’re gonna hurl?” Wayne: “I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. But if you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.”
- Los Angeles Angels- Wayne: “I don’t even own A gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack.”
- Oakland Athletics- Garth: “I mean, we’re looking down on Wayne’s basement. Only that’s not Wayne’s basement. Isn’t that weird?”
- Seattle Mariners- Wayne: “Oh, God, I made eye contact.”
- Texas Rangers- Garth: “Let me tell you something about women, Wayne. They want you to come get them. They love it.”
NL East
- Atlanta Braves- Wayne: “You know, Cassandra, from this height you could really hock a loogy on someone.”
- Miami Marlins- Garth: “If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.”
- New York Mets- Garth: “Live in the now!”
- Philadelphia Phillies- Wayne: “Will you still love me when I’m in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?”
- Washington Nationals- Garth: “If she were a president, she would be Babraham Lincoln.”
NL Central
- Chicago Cubs- Garth: “Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?“
- Cincinnati Reds- Wayne: “I’d have to say ‘Asphinchtersayswhat?'” Vanderhoff: “What?” Wayne: “Exactly.”
- Milwaukee Brewers- Alice Cooper: “Actually, it’s pronounced ‘MEE-lee-wa-KAY,” which is Algonquin for, ‘the good land.'”
- Pittsburgh Pirates- Wayne: “The Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?” Tiny: “They suck.” Wayne: “Then it’s not just a clever name.”
- St. Louis Cardinals- Garth: “It’s like a new pair of underwear, at first they’re restrictive but then after a while, they become a part of you.”
NL West
- Arizona Diamondbacks- Garth: “Hey Phil, if you’re gonna spew, spew into this.”
- Colorado Rockies- Wayne: “Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.”
- Los Angeles Dodgers- Wayne: “It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.”
- San Diego Padres- Wayne: “I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.”
- San Francisco Giants- Wayne and Garth: “WE’RE NOT WORTHY! WE’RE NOT WORTHY!”
