Previewing All 30 MLB Teams with a Simpsons Character
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The magic of The Simpsons is that any side character can deliver a memorable quote at any time. The characters and quotes selected below may not have a clear correlation with their given MLB team. Just trust that it makes sense in my strange mind.
First, a few rules:
- No members of the Simpsons’ immediate family. There are way too many Homer quotes to choose from.
- No Montgomery Burns. Every owner resembles him. I could pick a Burns quote for each of the 30 franchises. Maybe that will be the follow-up article!
AL East
- Baltimore Orioles- Kent Brockman: “Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it’s time for our viewers to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?”
- Boston Red Sox- Ralph Wiggum: “I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers.”
- New York Yankees- Duffman: “Now, our final round which counts for 98% of the total score making the complete rounds a total waste. Don’t forget, today’s winner will be immortalized in our new Duff Calendar.”
- Tampa Bay Rays- Seymour Skinner: “Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow, you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.”
- Toronto Blue Jays- Groundskeeper Willie: “If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the lot of ya, and burn yer town to cinders!”
AL Central
- Chicago White Sox- Milhouse Van Houten: “Not only am I not learning, I’m forgetting stuff I used to know!”
- Cleveland Guardians- Dr. Nick Riviera: “Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing… til I jam this down your throat!”
- Detroit Tigers- Otto Mann: “All right! Three whole months of Spaghetti-O’s and daytime TV!”
- Kansas City Royals- Cletus, the Slack-Jawed Yokel: “We homeschool ’em. I teach the big ones, and the big ones teach the little ones, but nobody taught me, so the whole thing is an exercise in futility.”
- Minnesota Twins- The Sea Captain: “Arr, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
AL West
- Houston Astros- Waylon Smithers: “In the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing? Just to throw the fear of God into them?”
- Los Angeles Angels- Comic Book Guy: “There’s no emoticon for what I’m feeling”
- Oakland Athletics- Dr. Hibbert: “Tell him it’s the worst prognosis ever! Hee hee hee.”
- Seattle Mariners- Snake: “Hey, baby. Listen carefully. Someone’s been editing my biography on Wikipedia. I want you to kill him.”
- Texas Rangers- Krusty: “Krustyland has a new ride: The Eyeballs of Death. It only passed safety by a 3-to-2 vote, and that third didn’t come cheap.”
NL East
- Atlanta Braves- Bleeding Gums Murphy: “You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.”
- Miami Marlins- Superintendent Chalmers: “Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children.”
- New York Mets- Mayor Quimby: “I propose that I use what’s left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And, uh, once elected, I will send for the rest of you.”
- Philadelphia Phillies- Chief Wiggum: “Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.”
- Washington Nationals- Edna Krabappel: “What’s the matter, Bart? I figure you’d be used to failing by now.”
NL Central
- Chicago Cubs- Abe Simpson: “I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. It’ll happen to you!”
- Cincinnati Reds- Ned Flanders: “Can I make my famous mimosa? A little sparkling water in a glass full of regular water?”
- Milwaukee Brewers- Sideshow Bob: “Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray, that’s not what I had in mind.”
- Pittsburgh Pirates- Moe Szyslak: “I’ve been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.”
- St. Louis Cardinals- Lionel Hutz: “You’d be surprised how often that works.”
NL West
- Arizona Diamondbacks- Troy McLure: “My good looks paid for that pool, and my talent filled it with water! Hi, I’m Troy McLure, your future uncle.”
- Colorado Rockies- Fat Tony: “We are bleeding red ink, which is the only thing we should not be bleeding.”
- Los Angeles Dodgers- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: “The hot dogs spin counterclockwise in fear when you arrive.”
- San Diego Padres- Reverend Lovejoy: “Wait a minute, this sounds like rock and/or roll.”
- San Francisco Giants- Professor Frink: “Although we can’t reach the boy, we can freeze him with liquid nitrogen, so that future generations can rescue him.”
