Miguel Cabrera has been causing headlines in recent offseasons for mostly the wrong reasons. There was last Spring’s DUI incident when Cabrera is pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving. According to the St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office, Cabrera smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and took a swig from a bottle of scotch in front of a deputy (which takes some major cajones). Now, in another sign of just how large those Venezuelan cajones are, Miguel Cabrera has evidently demanded a trade to the St. Louis Cardinals in this letter accidentally sent to Max and I here at Off The Bench. It must be read to be fully appreciated. Without further ado:
Hola Senor Dombrowski,
As you know I have not been very happy in Detroit. Everyone knows its a bit of a miserable city in today’s age. The car industry is trying to come out of a slumber and recoup their losses from when they fell into a stupid cycle of making everything increasingly bigger and bigger for 20 years. The same thing happened in the 80’s. How can you not learn from your mistakes? I refuse to play in a city where these are the industrial leaders and AND I can’t drink day old beer in the clubhouse.
This brings me to point number two. I have very little interest in being so far from the Anheuser Busch birthplace. Since coming to America, I have found my real love to be beer. And lots of it. And as such, I have very little interest in being in the hometown of the car industry. Why do I need to be around so many cars so often? I don’t. And from this day forward, I refuse to play in Detroit. I have researched and found that I could either have demanded a trade to the Milwaukee Brewers, where Miller is brewed, or St. Louis, where Budweiser is made. Following my blind taste test, I’ve decided to head to St. Louie, despite it’s similar sound to where I got in trouble last year (St. Lucie in case you forgot Dave). With this in mind, I’ll accept a trade to the Brewers given a 4 months supply of Budweiser because I like their name.
I realize that this may not seem fair at first but, I’ve done my research. Both of these clubs have very good first basemen already in place so you could simply trade me, for either Albert Pujols or Prince Fielder + the 4 months of beer. They’re two standup guys that would really get along with Mr. Leyland.
To conclude, I also do not enjoy the music of Eminem. His lyrics annoy me with their vulgarity and he sounds like he’s trying to encourage me to use hard drugs as opposed to the wonderful hops and bubbles that I drink from Red Solo Cups. Speaking of… Dave, the new Toby Keith song was inspired by me. I wrote it for Toby and sent it in. How do you like them apples?
Hope the kids are well. Oh, and don’t forget the trade. Love and kisses,
Miguel Cabrera Stud First Baseman/BachelorStat of the Day: This is a fake article.
-Sean Morash
