The Los Angeles Dodgers’ Clayton Kershaw is in the midst of one of the best pitching seasons in recent memory. He currently leads the National League in wins (17), ERA (1.70), WHIP (0.82), Strikeouts per 9 (10.7), Innings Pitched per start (7.1), and the advanced stats (WAR, ERA+, and FIP) all place Kershaw at the top of the pitching mountain. He’s en route to a Cy Young, and continues to put up comical numbers so comical that people are seriously discussing his season as one of the greatest of all time.
Burried in all those numbers is his start on May 17th. Against the Diamondbacks on that fateful day, Kershaw went just 1.2 innings, allowed 7 earned, and struck out just 3. Consider: It is the one game this year that Kershaw has gone fewer than 6 innings (thanks to something other than weather), allowed more than 3 earned runs, or struck out fewer than 6.
Put another way: the second worst start of Kershaw’s 2014 was on August 5, when he allowed 3 earned over 7 innings, struck out 7 and got the win.
Clayton Kershaw was put on this earth to pitch and pitch well. This is common knowledge. But, nobody knows what was done to make Kershaw pitch so poorly on May 17 against the Diamondbacks. Luckily, theories exist. The start was so unbelievably un-Kershaw that I have scoured the Internet and questioned people in the know about it. What follows is just the tip of the iceberg. Calls to the Dodgers, Kershaw, and the President for comment have gone unreturned. This leads me to believe that at least one of these must be true.
The Theories:
The Dock Ellis
Kershaw read this story about how Dock Ellis took LSD before throwing a no-hitter in 1970 and decided to give it a try. Kershaw didn’t handle his acid quite like Dock.
The Armageddon
The world was in peril. A giant asteroid was heading toward Earth and scientists devised a plan: a human must travel into space and throw a bomb left handed into a tiny crevice on the side of the asteroid. Enter Clayton Kershaw who, leaving behind his girlfriend and the comforts of gravity, journeyed on an impossible mission. Things went awry, someone had to stay behind. The man who had been a father figure for Clayton, Harry Stamper, volunteers. Kershaw returned to Earth to face the Dbacks, but was exhausted from space travel and with a heavy heart.
The Space Jam
Remember in Space Jam when the Mon-Stars stole Charles Barkley’s talent? This happened in real life, except with Clayton Kershaw! It’s incredible! Any 90’s kid will tell you that Space Jam is the greatest movie ever made. That it foretold real events makes it all the better.
The Reverse Space Jam
It wasn’t that Kershaw lost all of his talents, it’s just that he was playing against a Diamondbacks team that had channeled its inner Mon-Stars and zapped the hitting powers from the game’s best. This theory is supported by the fact that Mike Trout was 0-4 on May 17. Plus, ‘Reverse Space Jam’ is hilarious, sounds kind of dirty, and must be true.
The Presidential Kidnapper
Barrack Obama had been kidnapped, but the kidnappers agreed to return him safely in exchange for a poor performance from Clayton Kershaw.
The Impersonator
Clayton Kershaw was kidnapped and held for a $1 trillion ransom. The Dodgers refused the ransom and hired a Clayton Kershaw impersonator to make the start. Faux Kershaw pitched poorly and the Dodgers paid up in time for the next start.
The Right Hander
Did anybody actually see the game? Did Kershaw pitch right handed just for fun?
The Barry Bonds
Kershaw was obviously so much better than everyone else that Bud Selig was concerned that he would rewrite the single season pitching record book this year. Since Bud allowed Barry Bonds to rewrite the hitting record book so recently, action had to be taken. Selig ordered Kershaw to pitch poorly for one game so as to preserve the record book.
The Barry Bonds V2
Barry Bonds actually played for the Diamondbacks during the game.
The Spider
Kershaw’s first inning on that date went about as well as any inning this year. He struck out two and got a fly out in a 1-2-3, 10 pitch first. Then, when Kershaw trotted out to the mound, he noticed a spider had inhabited the mound and was setting up camp. Clayton, deathly afraid of spiders, insisted that he get off the mound as quickly as possible. In his haste, Kershaw made numerous bad pitches and eventually ran to the dugout to get away from the spider.
The Spider-Man
This scenario is very similar to The Spider, but instead of being deathly afraid of the spider, Kershaw is bitten. He cannot see straight, is fading in and out of consciousness and continues to pitch. The radioactive effects leave him dazed for the day, but when he awakens he is gifted with fingers so sticky he can throw that curve the way he does the rest of the year.
I’m confident one of the above happened–10 years from now, I only hope that Kershaw will open up about what went down.
-Sean Morash
